Sunday, July 13, 2008

Lonely Angst Boy

These are not poems. These are just strings of thought. There is no one to impress. Not even one.

I am unexplainably exhausted.
I think I am sick, Not coming down with cold though.
I think it is more of a mental illness.
Everyday I wake up, I feel like I have been drowned but somehow I have survived it.
I am alone, and I have get used to be alone.
But I don't think I am lonely. Um, may be I am, but I deny it.

No one to Impress, and thus Status Quo
I have no one to impress. To impress someone, it is kind of stupid.
Instead, effort is better spend on finding out who I really am.
Most people may feel themselves under the same situation, even if people have many friends,
they don't have someone to describe their real thinking and feel themselves nothing.

But I am something in the nothingness, somehow there is nothing to live for.
I don't need to have any goal. I just need to survive.
If I survive, probably I am surviving for others.
I am thinking if I really need to feel happy.
Happy isn't better. I think. More pain and suffering isn't good either.
The worst is that there is no one to impress. I am under no one.
I don't have to do anything for myself either.
That is very odd. Felt like I had been dead already. But not quite.
I am living for others. I survive because it is just because. It is status quo.
That is all life is about? Merely live, and be dead sooner or later. Very odd.
Why spending so much efforts to do so much? Just to impress?
Huh? You want to be filthy rich, or famous, or giving birth to a city-load of kids?

I had thought about suicide, but I have put that away.
Just because that is not the official branch of doctrine of mine, but I am thinking about it anyway -
Just because it is logically valid, though it is anti-world and anti-humanity.

Angst - it is hard to describe.
Living in the status quo, but there is not anything leading to self-destruction,
but there isn't anything to move me forward either.
As long as I am loving someone, I don't want to leave this world.
The world needs me - the kind of good thinkers who wants to spin off insanely good ideas to push the world itself forward.

Hi? Angst Boy
Trying to sort out who I really am...
There is a reason for me look so anal everyday.
I just simply don't want to be merely a programmer. It is a job analogous to a white-collar construction worker.

People downplayed a lot of things and become ignorants to peoples' need. Well it is all systematic.
Trying to figure out why it is so hard to get married and even to get a girl-friend nowadays.
I had been figured out why it is so hard to study my degree.
It is all sociological. Everything I did is totally against the flow.
And I am thinking to figure out how to get out of this terrible situation.

Looking for good friends that can last long...
Looking for a new me that go directly to the final ultimate solution, rather than solving the problem ad-hoc.
Thinking of why I can't be as direct as I want to be.
I want to conclude what happened to others, so that I can figure out myself.

Angst - It is my philosophical anxiety about the world and about personal freedom.
Trying to figure out why it is hard to do everything big in life besides the expected competitions.
That is why I have to read a lot, my explanation is getting better over time, and it really takes a lot of time.

Who I really am: an artist or scientist;
What I am believing: religion, all about faith; and science, all about human perception of the fact and Truth
--- The two big-time major league fights.

I could figured out what is missing in the society, I can supply that
missing supplement to the deficiencies to compensate efforts which are
beyond hard work. After that, I may succeed.

Computer science is a department lacking of smile.
Computer science is a department lacking of care and love.
Computer science is also a department that is boring and fitting into the stereotypical geek image.
With that cool white dim lightings in the building, it is all eternal lifelessness.
I refuse, and I had firmly refuse to be one of them.
I like my major, I believe I can be more than that.
But my classmates don't even look good.
See? It is the social aspect that they are missing.
If I am purely logical, how am I different from a machine?
I have refused to stay that way.
I am not cynical, but I am angry at human ignorance.
I want a new me with a new framework that can deal with the logical bastards in the department.
Just hate to be the only Asian in class.
I want to free myself from them.
The classes that they have taught at the senior level are "useless" to me, I think hardly I will use it.
First it does not interest me.
Second it just doesn't connect to the computing in real life that I have seen and exposed to.
That is almost equivalent to the catholic theology about angels - I feel like they made them up!
I feel like they are already dead as they have running out of ideas.
The minds that can only fit into the caskets,
I am the pooper who poops into the caskets, and I am "the outside."
I want to think outside of the box. I am free from them.
I have to painfully zen through it, more painful than simply pooping.
I see more stupid people playing ignorance and playing naive, either I
will make them all cuckolds so as to set their mind straight or I die.
They don't do that on purpose, I know, but I am running out of patience for trying to outsmart their ignorance.

(Edit: Our needs are ignored.)

No comments: